How Circumstances Derail us
What stories are you telling yourself? Reminder... for those rough days... tell yourself the truth
When we are facing difficult circumstances, be it making a difficult decision, facing chronic health issues, second guessing ourselves, figuring out purpose and calling, relationship conflicts, loss of a loved one, an unwanted health diagnosis, family challenges, caregiving responsibilities, work, or community frustrations, they all tend to throw us into a kind of storytelling turmoil that keeps us stuck.
They hand us storyline prompts that we finish, embellish, and ruminate over squelching the dreams we hold in our heart. They might sound like this:
Your dreams and goals don’t matter.
You’re not enough.
You’ve no control over what goes on in your life.
You can’t do this anymore.
It’ll never get better than this.
You must’ve done something to deserve this.
What you once believed – is it really true?
Fill in the BLANK with your own storytelling turmoil prompt.
Unfortunately, turmoil and chaotic circumstances don’t usually tell the truth.
Instead, they offer up bald-faced stories and lies that we are fooled into believing because of our vulnerable state. When we are in a vulnerable state, we are no longer the “me” we used to be. We are an altered version of “me” who is experiencing a challenging time. Turmoil statements are powerful spewing disparaging messages that demotivate, discourage, and derail us to the point of doubting what we once believed to be true.
The result?
We get stuck in unhelpful patterns.
Vulnerable and Vulnerability
I took a moment to research “vulnerable” and “vulnerability”. Have you ever done that – checked out the history and meaning of a word? I’m not a grammar geek, nor a word geek but I do like to learn!
I regularly use an online tool called www.etymonline.com to gain new insights on some of the words used on a day-to-day basis. Every time my “assumptions”, that I once held, get busted!
There is a difference between these two words when I read about them at etymonline.
Vulnerable (adj) means that we can be wounded. This makes sense to me because we are human, finite beings and we can be wounded body, soul, and/or spirit because of our humanity.
Vulnerability (noun) is the state of being wounded. I think this is like the result of the wound, the thing we experience, and what it does to us body, soul, and spirit, leaving us weakened.
Why do I think this difference is important when we facing tough circumstances?
Well, I think there are two reasons:
1) Knowing that we are vulnerable as humans means that we can and will be wounded. In many ways, now that I’ve been through enough of life, and too many hard times to count, I’ve realized it may even be prudent to expect to experience wounding in life. Why? Because it is a broken world, and broken things can wound us and we can find ways to help cultivate a certain amount of spiritual resilience against them through the experiences of our practices, thoughts, decisions, and choices.
I like to keep in mind the fact that I am vulnerable to help me find ways to equip and strengthen myself along my life’s journeys. I can’t control everything, but I do have some control in life around some of my choices and willingness to grow, recognizing that there are limits to our human intentions.
This might look as simple as having some control over what activities I choose to involve myself in, whom I decide to associate with, and how I spend my time. These time investments can cultivate a type of strength in my perspectives, my ways, my faith, and environment that hopefully will help build some resilience in me, for any severely challenging times I may have to face, as well foster a heart of giving back in productive, helpful ways in my community.
2) When it comes to the state of vulnerability, I know I have the option to choose to wait and see what life challenges come my way and react off-the-cuff (which I know an abysmal fail), or I could anticipate some of the most common events that might come my way (like family member’s deaths, health diagnoses, caregiving responsibilities, relationship issues) and be curious about how would I want to respond should X, Y, or Z happen. I can even also imagine what kind of needs I might have given those scenarios and be curious about practices that might help me cope.
We plan for holidays, retirement, parties, other milestones don’t we? Why then, don’t we plan for when days are rough? Granted it’s not as fun, but it can be life-changing and help us step into times of growth, transformation, and purpose with curiosity and welcome when we face times of suffering.
Reacting vs Responding
I think in many ways the colloquial use of the word “reacting” is often recycled, redefined (read sanitized) from the word “overreacting”. Reacting is something we tend to do in response to an event of some sort, but it’s often used to describe more of an emotional or visceral, negative-type behavior in response to an unwanted event.
Whereas, “responding” is more of a thought-filled, mindfully controlled, response that is more objective and not driven by our emotions (something we’d all like to be able to do).
So how can we move from reacting (or overreacting) to responding?
There are several ways that have helped me over the years, but these are my top two (btw I had to learn the hard way, it didn’t come naturally, after being diagnosed with stage III oral cancer undergoing surgery, treatment only to be diagnosed with more cancer, syndromes, conditions, and illnesses – the most challenging I face regularly is my new lifelong “unwanted” friend – an autoimmune disease).
1) Equipping
I try to do my part in equipping myself by raising awareness of my needs – body, soul, and spirit on a regular basis and attending to them. To recognize when a need shows up, I first had to learn what habits get uncovered (yes, those unwanted, unsightly ones!) when I ignore my needs.
What helps is to practice building resilience into my life when I’m in a good place, so that when I face challenging moments, I can draw on those skills and practices to help me through.
I call these my “soul care” practices that relate to my humanity – body, soul, and spirit. They can help me be more grace-filled which is something I desperately want to cultivate in my life.
Examples:
Acknowledging and naming what I’m facing is real.
Meditating on a few favorite Bible verses.
Listening to the stories I’m telling myself and sift for truth.
Breathing.
Journaling.
Practicing Praying Scripture (along with breathing).
Checking to see how present I am in any given moment (as opposed to being distracted).
Reading inspirational devotions and/or books that fill up my heart.
Self-care: sleep, nourishment, rest, community, exercise, etc.
I’ve dedicated a whole chapter to soul care practices in the appendix to my book, that was recently chosen by judges as one of the Finalists (1 of the top 3) in the Christian Living and Spiritual Formation category from the Canadian Word Guild (click on the link below if you want to learn more about it), here’s a quote:
“These activities help us develop simple easy-to-maintain habits that when practiced faithfully become a way of life. Therefore, when days of suffering eventually come, sometimes again and again, we’ll have developed a muscle of spiritual resilience that helps us to thrive without losing hope along the way.
These regular practices hone our ability to become more aware of what hinders and helps us on a daily basis or what might be a barrier to our walk of faith.”
(Buszowski, Fern E.M., “Embrace Life, Embrace Hope”, Word Alive Press, 2023, pg. 110)
When we can imagine spiritual resilience like a muscle we can practice releasing the heavy burdens and pick up things that strengthen us! But we must practice them. For it is in the quietness with God that we find peace, strength, and a steadfastness that can birth hope in us.
The biggest ah-ha moment I had during my cancer journey was when my surgeon told me our bodies were designed to heal. His gentle words reminded me about how God’s original story was for us to be whole. Whole in body, soul, and spirit. I was just looking being whole physically – a return to my previous state where I could swallow, chew food, and speak normally. When I stepped back, after realizing “whole” meant all parts of us, I was spurred on to continue practicing my soul care activities, and began the practice of embracing my life just as it was (and still is) and deepening my faith in the redemptive God of hope who can redeem anything – especially our perspectives.
Years earlier, I had faithfully immersed myself in many of these practices and taught them to others, not realizing that when I faced my own health challenges that they would become the lifeline of choosing wholeness and hope in new ways for a difficult journey.
I’ve learned that when we take time for own soul care – i.e. spending time with God along with cultivating helpful self-care practices it can affirm the gifts and talents God has generously equipped us with. In many ways it teaches us to be more open to transformation and growth and while ushering in peace and hope. It also gives us more confidence in sharing our journeys with others because we’re better equipped to help others who may face the similar struggles. We can share what we’ve learned through our challenges along with the comfort we’ve received firsthand (2 Corinthians 1:2-4)
2) Embracing our Value
Our value.
It has everything to do with our true identity.
Knowing our value includes knowing that we are not only loved, but lovable!
What we believe to be true about our value tells us if we are lovable or not.
The turmoil comments (way up at the top of this blog post) are just a few of the comments that send us messages that aren’t true. What they do is challenge the truth of our identity and value by derailing us with doubt.
Instead of bringing us hope when facing a difficult time, they bring shame and blame.
When bad things happen to us, the perspectives of who we are get influenced and tarnished by what the event seems to say about us (according to turmoil). They wash over us bringing us the kind of dark ugly shame that keeps us hiding from ourselves, from others, and sometimes even God while casting blaming onto ourselves or others. It’s a vicious cycle.
But there is another way to look at our difficult circumstances!
One of the first things we learn about God, in the Bible, is that He creates. He created the heavens, and the earth, and He created mankind. What He creates is good. He created us in His image. God is good, His image is good and His creations are good. He created us out of a heart of love and puts into us a spirit of love so that we can love others. He provides us with an opportunity to redeem the story of our circumstances.
When we learn more about who God is, His characteristics, His purposes, and ways, we actually can gain new insight about who we are and see ourselves more clearly and accurately.
“The crises we experience don’t define us. However, they can give us the opportunity to learn more about who we are, and Whose we are…”
(Buszowski, Fern E.M., “Embrace Life, Embrace Hope”, Word Alive Press, 2023, pg. 24)
So, what can we do?
Choose truth.
Choose goodness.
Choose love.
Choose to tenderly care for your soul.
Choose quietness with God.
Embrace your value as good, worthy, and enough (despite any circumstances we face).
Choose to fill your heart and mind with encouragement that acknowledges the challenges faced, and validates the difficulty of your journey,
Offer yourself grace for when you may fall down or feel like you are failing miserably.
Embrace self-compassion but not self-pity (there’s a difference).
Attend to your needs in ways that strengthen you to keep going day by day, moment by moment.
Reach out for safe community where your story can be shared, held, and seen.
If you feel stuck (there are days we all do) and need help, reach out for help from your church community, pastor, close friend, or professional.
I’ll leave you with one last quote from my book that I’d like you to contemplate…
“In moments when we’re hurting, suffering, or confused, I wonder whether the deep longings for wholeness might be God wooing us to Himself, inviting us into the healing journey that is His story for us.”
(Buszowski, Fern E.M., “Embrace Life, Embrace Hope”, Word Alive Press, 2023, pg. 36)
Praying for you today, dear friends!
p.s. My mother was an avid reader and there were always books and magazines around our house. One day I asked, “Mom why do you have so many books?” smiling she simply replied “I figure if there I find one good thing in a book, it’s worth buying”. Her comment has always stayed with me. I hope you find one good thing in here today – if you do, please share it a friend.
I want to know… what would you most enjoy reading in my blog?
I tend to write a blog every 1-2 months, post notes from time to time, and post on IG/FB every 2 weeks or so. A blog is a bit different and lately I’ve been curious, what would you prefer most to read here on this blog?
If there are any specific TOPICS not listed here (this poll only allowed me to list 5), please drop a suggestion into the comments. This way others can see and if they like the idea they can “like” it too! That way I can keep a good count on your interests. No guarantees but I’ll do my best!
I’M GRATEFUL FOR YOU!
THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU!
As writers we don’t often get a chance to say thank you to our readers.
I know how precious your time is and how much discipline it takes to set aside time to read blogs that fill our email accounts monthly, weekly, or even daily. I struggle with this too!
So, a big Thank you.
Thank you for taking time to stop and read my blog/newsletter.
Thank you for your supportive responses and heart-felt likes.
Thank you for subscribing/following/visiting my blog.
Thank you for your comments or emails back to me telling me what my writing mean to you. This keeps me going.
I write because I care about those who take the time to read what I write.
I care about you because you have taken the effort and precious time to read my work.
I also assume that we are not really so different from one another because we all face good days as well as difficult days, are often stressed at the speed of the world around us and wonder where all the people are like “us” that seek goodness, peace, hope, contentment, and simplicity.
Thank you for being on this road with me.
Have you Heard?
Embrace Life, Embrace Hope: Cultivating Wholeness and Resilience through the Unexpected, was recently chosen by Canada’s “The Word Guild” judges as one of the Finalists (1 of 3 finalists selected) in Christian Living and Spiritual Formation from Canada’s The Word Guild.
Looking for Book Reviews:
If you’ve read my book, I’d be honored if you’d write a brief review ( just 2-3 sentences would be amazing) and submit it to Amazon (Canadian/USA - the thing with Amazon is that you must explain where you got a copy of the book if you didn’t buy it online through them), Goodreads, and/or at Focus on the Family
If you do write a review, be sure to let me know so I can say thank you.
Thanks for sharing your wisdom and encouragement, Fern!
So good! Thank you for the helpful insight!!